Why Does She Stay?

When the topic of domestic violence comes up, the first question those who are not familiar with the matter asks is "If it's so bad, then why does she stay?" This is also perhaps the reason why domestic violence isn't the priority with everyone the way that it should be.

What follows are reasons which either on their own or in some combination prevent a woman from leaving her abuser.

• She loves her partner. She hates his actions.
• She doesn't want to break up the family.
• She thinks all relationships are this way.
• Her religion enforces the sanctity of marriage.
• She doesn't think what's happening to her is abuse.
• The abuser swears he will change.
• There are still good times in the relationship.
• She believes that it's all her fault.
• She can help make things better by not leaving.
• She doesn't want others to know she's being abused.
• She feels sorry for her abuser.
• Her abuser made her believe no one will want her.
• She doesn't have a job.
• She doesn't have money.
• She won't be able to protect her children.
• She's not familiar with what the legal system offers her.
• She doesn't know what social services offer her.
• He threatens to kill her.
• He threatens to kill himself.
• He threatens to kill her children.

Starting Over

As you may have seen elsewhere on this site, a woman stays with her abuser because she believes there are a series of roadblocks that will prevent her from succeeding. That woman needs to know that this route to starting over is very similar to the one she traveled when she left her Mother and Father to find her own place.

An easy to understand list of things to do looks like this:

• Get out
• Get shelter
• Get safe
• Get settled
• Get employed
• Get educated
• Get on with it

Here's a list of elements and ideas for the woman facing domestic violence who once again wants to have a happy and safe life.

Get Out

You want to do this without confrontation. This isn't the time for any kind of "in your face" actions. The best time is when he's at work. This will allow you to take a great deal more of your possessions with you. If that's not possible, then your time is when you leave the house for a routine matter that's expected. Maybe it's your assigned time to go to the supermarket. That's a time when he has to give you extra money. Just don't go back.

Don't make pieces of property the priority. You can always rebuild a wardrobe or book collection. You should be focused on your life, health and safety.

Get Shelter

Where can you go? Can you get to family? Are there friends that can loan you anything between a spare room and a couch? Look for the phone number of a woman's shelter near you. The local chapter of The United Way can also help you at this point. They make toll free hotlines available 7 days a week and 24 hours a day.

Get Safe

You'll want peace of mind restored as quickly as possible. Women's Shelters feature experts and advisors in these matters. The shelter you've hopefully found will be a huge assistance in various legal matters like an order of protection.

You can also go to the courthouse yourself. You don't need a law degree to walk through the doors. Look for a receptionist and tell why you're there. This will be the first example, with many more to come, that you're not alone.

If your area library has free computer and internet service available, pay them a visit. You can research your needs like a secure change of address, drivers license applications without an address, Social Security matters and more.

Get Settled

Whether it's a women's shelter, family or friend you shouldn't expect to have more than thirty days to plot your next move. Once again the local branch of The United Way will help you find permanent and even subsidized housing. Food Stamps are another avenue to explore. Don't think of this as a hit on your dignity. These are all steps so you can reclaim your dignity.

Get Employed

If you have a job...great! If you have skills but your now former abuser kept you home, it's time to get back in the game. Shelters and The United Way once again can play roles here. You can also make yourself know to temp agencies. Spend some time looking at the bulletin board at the store to see if a small business in the area needs help. The newspaper offers a couple of opportunities. One is the Want Ad section. The other is a route delivering that paper.

When you go job hunting, you need to present yourself as best as possible. See if someone you know can layout and print your resume. As far as clothes, you can visit area consignment shops and charity run stores. There's also an organization called Dressed For Success that gives a woman that's going what you're going through a business suit for free. Dressed For Success is typically in larger metro areas across the country.

Get Educated

You're starting a new life! Go for it! Make it the best it can be. There are Community Colleges, Night Schools and Vocational Schools that offer low cost ways for you to make yourself an even better person. Depending on your financial situation, you'll be surprised how low these costs will be.

What do you want to learn? What do you want to know more about? What knowledge will make your new life even brighter than it's started to feel for you?

Get On With It

You're cordially invited to be a meaningful part of the world. No RSVP's needed. Just join the party!